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diagnosticmad [userpic]

Waiting for gods in the streets...

March 8th, 2011 (03:15 pm)
restless

current state of consciousness: restless

I can't sleep tonight at all even though last night I slept for twelve hours...the fan videos catch up on youtube helped pass the night in relative calm. I miss my husband. He's too damn far away in rehabilitation, learning braille, how to walk and be a person again.

I can't do anything for him right now but wait and be patient. I hate being patient.

It doesn't feel like it has done one damn bit of good for me at all. Waiting.

Life in itself is a waiting game. Waiting to see how you feel, waiting to see if you feel well enough to do this or that or whatever the hell, waiting for the right time or place, waiting for gods to show up on your street...

I don't want to fan fic again and not do my own work. I haven't spent anytime on my own work in almost a year now, it seems.

The nervous breakdown was...expensive. My insurance didn't cover the hospital stay. 12, 000 smackers...well at least the experience changed my life for the better. I guess debt is a fair trade off in that exchange.

I hate not writing. I hate not creating. I hate doing anything these days that isn't about those two things, but I do other things all the time. What a fucking waste...!

My time is running out. I feel it as each day passes by and I don't know what I am waiting for, please tell me what I waiting for...what I am afraid of...who or what can I lose now?

I almost lost myself and I have lost half of my husband.

I'm a writer with no purpose. What is the point giving me all this need to write and not feeling directed?

If there is a GOD, and I mean a big asshole in the clouds directing all the little worker ants of the universe, tell me where you want me squashed because I have had enough of this torture.

Give myself direction, see where things lead me, don't give up...fuck.

FUCK. FUCK ME. FUCK THIS SHIT.

Is my muse a wanderer who only travels down to earth at leisure? Too fickle, haughty and high and mighty for us little human critters?

Well at least I wrote this tonight. Maybe I will reward myself with a pop tart

Comments

Posted by: A lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom (hughville)
Posted at: March 8th, 2011 01:45 pm (UTC)
Counting stars

Nervous breakdowns are a bitch, aren't they? And the waiting is the worst. Waiting to see if life can still go on; waiting for our muses to return; waiting for some semblance of normalcy again.

I hope your muse returns and that your husband does well with his rehab. I also hope you get some sleep and some answers along with some peace. *hugs*

Posted by: Diamonds in Bohemia (twinni_two)
Posted at: March 8th, 2011 07:21 pm (UTC)

I've never had a nervous breakdown of any kind so I can't really talk about that. All I can say is *hugs*. I think that you're entitled to just go fuck this shit and cut loose any ties, any chains, like you're driving a chariot opf horses which keep pulling and bucking and tossing the chariot, you should just let go of the reins and see where they take you. I've learned that having moved to a foreign country, there've been so many times when I haven't understood what's going on, or have done something wrong through a misunderstanding or something like that, that I've just gone "aaaaan fuck it, if I do the work wrong I had the best intentions so what, or oh so what if I went to the wrong classroom and missed the class, I just think, hey I'm not perfect, I'm going to have to get used to making mistakes for the rest of my life, better start getting used to letting myself down, because afterall, I did rather well in some exams, everybody's saying my Spanish has improved enormously and I've cooked some really nice meals, and I just made pancakes which were better than everybody else's. So I have to be used to letting myself down and following those consequences, but hey, every now and again I'll do something really well to make up for it". And that helps me, to just physically sit down and go "relax!" then when I'm relaxed I either find a solution to the problem, or ignore it. Also, Scarlett O'Hara's philosophy in Gone With the Wind "I'll think about it tomorrow can be remarkably effective lol. But that's just for me, we're all different. Sorry, waffle there...