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diagnosticmad [userpic]

Listening to my Muse and a new job...

January 23rd, 2013 (08:10 pm)
Where am I?: Westmont, IL--Drafty Apartment-Christmas Tree still up...
current state of consciousness: Gloriously Happy with a Chance of Rain
current ballad: Blue Man Group-PVC IV

I have a new job. Yay. I am pretty damn excited since the hours are extremely part time and I have all the time in the world to do other things outside of working, which means I can tend to the blind husband and do others things with ease. When I work, I always want to work on my creative writing since then I feel like a competition of time or importance becomes more prevalent. When I have all the time in the world, I just don't create...or at least I don't create like I would like to create...on a schedule.

I am not going to have time to go swimming tonight if Tom doesn't get our dinner soon. Honestly, I would rather go swimming than eat, but it is so damn cold. I am fully dressed with two sweaters on and it is still freezing in this damn apartment. There must be something to it. Time to check the windows and doors for a draft again...be right back...

Yeah, the idiots upstairs didn't close the outside front door properly...this is why my front room ends up freezing.

Oh GOC, my muse is screaming for my attention. Tend to the blind husband...I don't mean to put it that way. My husband went blind only a few years ago and he is pretty sedentary. I mean, if I ask for help, he is willing, but he isn't very self-sufficient. Plus, just the daily adjustment to the lifestyle has to be awful for him. I don't always feel sorry for him and I am trying not to coddle him, which I don't think I do since I know other people I know think I am sometimes too mean for their taste.

I have lost too much my friend. I have lost too much. Who in their right minds may remain happy in the face of such disappointment?
Only a fool with no dreams anymore and I can't stop dreaming.

diagnosticmad [userpic]

I didn't think about anything today creative until now...

January 8th, 2013 (05:39 pm)

Don't wanna work. Wanna work.

I am just so sick of being sometimes. Some people care so much about things I just can't seem to care about at all.

Does that really make me odd or just a pain in the ass?

Or maybe a lazy ass?

I don't even like entertaining the idea of not being able to figure out these things...

Time to see the The Hobbit, again!

diagnosticmad [userpic]

Roleplaying Pathfinder afternoon...and Answers.

January 5th, 2013 (07:50 pm)

It was interesting observing the table banter at the Wandering Dragon this past afternoon. I had a wonderful chance to see how the Pathfinder RP can run and also I believe Mike and I have been enlisted along the way for the fight.

Everyday I don't write creatively I feel like I am cheating myself of a wonderful opportunity. I can't get it right...then again I have so many other things to worry about I just start to wonder if they really are worth worrying about in the long run. There is still too much that I need to get done in my life overall and I am letting always the little details get in the way. I can't live this way much longer.

I wonder if I will ever change and be able to forgive and forget truly. That's part of the problem. Isn't it? Or maybe now I am just beginning to understand how I have been hurt by everyone in my past.

I can't emphasize this enough for all those who seek answers to their problems.

Don't wait for an answer. Look for it and keep it close in spirit and if you are lucky trust will be built and it will come in your sleep at night when you don't expect it.

The answers will come when you are ready to hear them in your head in between a dream and a soft place.

They are not found inscribed upon tablets found in ancient places or in old books written by long dead men with uneasy histories and self-deprecating souls.

No, answers are found in between the mists of time and the blink of an eye. Fight for you answers...but don't force them, because like people they are not to be captured forcefully. They are not willful supplicants or children lead through the fields of sheep and barn yard novelties.

They are made of wind storms, light palaces, star fields and precious warm rained upon cities.

Occasionally, it is the number 42 and even then I think you might find when you have all the answers, the real ones elude you like
the steam of the Earth in Spring and may at an instant appear like a stone temple in your mind.

But age has a way of making you forget things all the time, so more important than finding answers.

DON"T FORGET THE ANSWERS THAT YOU FOUND!

They are more precious than anything you might ever own and slip away in the middle of the night during the witching hour.

I can't remember what felt well found this morning as I woke up.

I hope to remember something significant soon. I really do.

diagnosticmad [userpic]

Not really much to say or think...

January 2nd, 2013 (07:54 pm)

Just bits and pieces of thoughts...the same old money worries, the same old concerns...reconsidering whether or not medication is a good thing in my life. I don't seem to function well on medication and all I want to do is sleep, which my health will not handle that anymore.

I desperately need to stay active.

I keep thinking about Batman Begins and how his father saved him from the well and the whole, "Why do we fall?"

To get up again...

I am ready for the get up phase again. But the depression the last few days has been awful. I don't want to go on medication again...it is even more horrendous.

The exercise regiment really helped a lot. I'm going swimming tomorrow. If not tomorrow, Friday, or doing something physical.

I do wish the health insurance was there for me to fall back on during this time, but well, it isn't there so oh well!

Talk soon,

Gina

diagnosticmad [userpic]

Coming back into regular journaling and not making it all hardcore...

So it being a new year and all and me remembering I had this old House MD themed journal...I thought to myself after a unfulfilled night of tossing and turning, and making every attempt to sleep, read an encyclopedia on Astronomy for two hours, engaged in an attempted self-hypnotic creativity meditation session that lead to a conversation with a grey alien (he was nice and all but he just wanted to have sex with me or take my unborn child, something Rumplestilskin from the stars, though he did try to calm me down. I was reminded of all that Pepsi Max I drank for New Year's revelry and gigantic pizza pie consumption. The cost was way too much. I am probably going to be short on money this week knowing my poor financial habits over the holidays.)

Once the paranoia and fear sets in there is nothing you can do and I can get up early this morning and start my new Year with the idea of sharing new interests, even if everyone else is already doing it. Things are popular not just because they are likable but they have universal appeal in some significant manner. It sucks to type now extensively with my left hand now that my carpal tunnel has been released.

Brief resolutions (not a big deal ones, small changes but significant ones)

Resolution and Shiny Pictures...Collapse )

1. Talk to my doctor about high blood pressure medication being a VERY BAD THING. I had changed my regiment this past year with more regular exercise. The minute I went on the medicine all I wanted to do was sleep. Though this might be attributed to my depression, I am starting to think medication always ends up a double-edged sword. ( I wasn't sure if double edged required a hyphen or not and though I should look it up. I won't. I like the idea of this little freedom in my language just as most people like pronouncing things incorrectly. My belief is the evolution of language over time depends on colloquialisms for the sake of cultural relevance. Though we insist on our rules and structures, not a bad thing, but an annoying thing at five thirty eight am on a cold Chicago suburban morning)
Scratch that, don't talk to my doctor! INSTEAD, try number 2 and see below.

2. Though unemployed, create a realistic schedule that doesn't create health problems for you. Sleep and eat at a proper time and stick with it. You will get more done and be more productive in meeting your personal goals on a schedule.

3. Avoid excessive salt and sugar in your diet and create a daily produce shopping trip per day, budgeting a realistic amount of money on this excursion. Fresh bread made daily is also a goal for this trip.

4. Eat more fish, it is yummy and doesn't make your gut feel lead loaded.

5. Write a journal entry everyday and work on a piece of work everyday for at least an hour to a half hour.

6. Keep my swimming up. That was a resolution I made last year that I actually stuck with and I am happy about it. So yes, you can change, just give yourself time and be patient!

These shouldn't be too hard...oh, I almost forgot!

7. (the heavenly resolution and best one yet!) SURROUND YOURSELF WITH THE THINGS YOU LOVE AND SAVOR THEM! So to start this whole chain of loveliness I am going to throw up some images of things that I have been enjoying the past few years while I was on sabbatical from livejournal.


The Big Bang Theory

There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said. It is fun, very intelligent, always illuminating on human vulnerabilities
for those lost and hurt for being different and odd. I relate to it, it is humorous and yes, I think Penny and Sheldon still make a wonderful odd couple worthy of chapters and epics of fan fiction. If I had the time to compose some I would, but I really want to finish my own work. So that being said, I might take time to write TBBT fan fic, we will see if fates allow for such.





The Vampire Diaries

Okay this is my guilty pleasure drama, it has the feel of Anne Rice vampire goodness, and the teen angst better than what you find in Twilight. Yes, I am totally in love with Damen. He is a great actor, who makes an incredibly attractive and interesting vampire, I feel we need more of in fantasy roles. I don't love Twilight, which probably makes me a rarity since I am a bit in between about it, I am probably in .000000001% of the population on this matter, frankly I don't think it is all bad, but not all good either. When several of Stephanie Meyers books were sold at a superstore I worked at once, I found set up rodent snap traps on them. Luckily I disarmed them before anyone was severely injured. I think the Twilight stories are so hated and loved means she created something worth looking at but I would have to say Vampire Diaries does it a bit better in certain respects to my personal taste. Though writers in general for a while that I met in my travails of the budding writer at my city college were writing this type of teen fantasy fiction for a while now. It just wasn't particularly loved or related to I think by most since it is highly romantic, but tastes change with the times.

Damien Elena Kiss Me in the Rain

Sherlock

If you have not seen this series yet and you have any love for the Sherlock Holmes paradigm, you are in for a treat. I stumbled across this series on Netflix since I don't watch live PBS as much as I would like these days since I like streaming so much. It was really a modern take on Sherlock with a new devilish humor and I devoured all of it within hours of watching it (It helps I am a DR WHO fan of course. Steven Moffat wrote and created most of this show and he is one of my favorite writers on Who right next to Russell Davies. Not to mention he did the Jekyll series BBC did a few years back. Sequel already written I hear on big J, I can't wait to see it come back.)

I have loved Martin Freeman ( the sandy hair colored Watson below) since Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and his very brief foray into Sean of the Dead. (Yes, you have to really watch to spot him in Sean of the Dead. I won't give it away, watch the movie again.) Benedict Cumberbatch ( the curly haired genius Sherlock below) is my new bitch. If I were a gay man I would stalk him until I met him at a party and could seduce him for a one night stand. He IS HOT. HOTTER THAN HOT, intelligent, British and adorable, the culmination of all my sophisticated period piece BBC dreams and he is going to be in the new Star Trek movie!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE! The minute I watched him in one thing, I had to watch him in the next thing. For a special period pleasure, check out Edges of the Earth with Benedict. Incidentally Martin Freeman was wonderful in The Hobbit film as young Bilbo and Benedict also does some voice talent throughout it as the wraith apparition. I also hear Benedict is playing the voice of Smaug and this one can not wait to hear his dulcet tones emanating from the fire dragon of old.

Sherlock Benedict Cumberbatch Martin Freeman


James Nesbitt as Jekyll and in The Hobbit

It is so hard to say anything about James Nesbitt that probably has already been said. Wildly sexy, incredibly talented, human and poignant, I discovered him in Jekyll and still can not wait for the series to start up again. I was insanely happy to see him in Hobbit as Bofur and I am sure he was in Dr Who before and I just didn't realize it. Like Clive Owen and Hugh Laurie before him, they are in my retinue of British actors to Love for Life, Stephen Fry and Benedict Cumberbatch as well as Martin Freeman and Simon Pegg, don't you worry! You all fit in there somewhere!

Jekyll tryptic


the-hobbit-bofur-poster


Swimming

I love doing it for my body and my well-being and it is the best way to strengthen my overall body despite the awful shape it is in without damaging my knees or lower extremities in any manner. I have lost some weight because of doing it and I plan on going throttle on it this week.

SWIMMING


Aliens
I spend hours and hours doing research on the Grays on youtube and supposed paranormal sightings of all types of creatures. I don't know why the idea of them frightens me so much but it does and the idea of alien abduction scares the living crap out of me. It is probably all bullshit, but some nightmares are just too scary. This is one I can't get out of my head and yet I am strangely drawn to like the night sky. I hope all of it is bullshit, let me tell you that wholeheartedly because these aliens below scare the hell out of me.
I dreamed one night they baked me in a pie and my soul left my body and they were cutting the pie apart with my baked body inside of it.

alien-autopsy-alien-abduction-bob-orsillo

Ebay

Who doesn't love Ebay? It is a great way for extra funds when you are unemployed and have too much junk like I do.

Otherwise, Happy New Year to all, this post ran way long. Now how will I even have time to create today anything worthwhile?
Oh well, resolutions are easily made and broken it seems!

Gina aka diagnosticmad

diagnosticmad [userpic]

Writer's Block: Doing the time warp

June 28th, 2011 (02:20 pm)

If you could travel through time with someone you know, who would you choose, and why?


The Doctor because he is sexy, single, fun, dangerous, and would also not object to walking around in fish net stockings.

diagnosticmad [userpic]

I am back now. Where in the world I have been?

June 28th, 2011 (02:16 pm)
calm

current state of consciousness: calm
current ballad: Adiemus-Amate Adea



I have been watching Farscape. That's one place I have been the last several months.






Playing boardgames with my geeky ass friends.







Petting my cat when I get sad or feel lonely.






Going to conventions and dreaming of meeting David Tennant or some other British actor who has no idea of my existence.




Missing Dr. Cameron from House and ignoring the last six episodes or so. I promise I will watch House again when I have recovered from the pain of Jen Mo's departure.


Oh yeah and I am writing again!! It is a miracle. I even went to a panel on fan fiction. It was quite funny.




See you all out there again. I will have perhaps some small fan fics to come if I feel so inspired.

Best,

diagnosticmad aka Gina

P.S. If you are reading this and you are a German lady who likes to play golf and gave me a sonic screwdriver, please e-mail me at tron_bonne78@hotmail.com I lost your e-mail Christine!

diagnosticmad [userpic]

Second Night of Insomnia--Fear outstretches its poisonous fangs and bites again

March 9th, 2011 (05:33 pm)
relieved

current state of consciousness: relieved
current ballad: Gloria-The Pointer Sisters

I spoke to the husband this morning. He called me about helping with his Olympus recorder and that's when I confessed to him I was afraid. I was totally frightened of the idea of following my path as an artist and somehow losing him in the process of my actualization. He thinks I can strike a healthy balance between my art and my private life.

I am just terrified.

I need sleep. But all I can think about is the days ahead and how things now in my life are going to be changing irrevocably. I feel relieved confessing this fear. I think I have been holding it in for a very long time.

I haven't felt this close to him in awhile. Maybe I just need to stop resisting my impulses...
except perhaps where Girl Scout cookies and ice cream are concerned in my dietary choices.

Later this afternoon when I wake up I think I might do something specifically artistic, like ink drawings or some haiku.

diagnosticmad [userpic]

Waiting for gods in the streets...

March 8th, 2011 (03:15 pm)
restless

current state of consciousness: restless

I can't sleep tonight at all even though last night I slept for twelve hours...the fan videos catch up on youtube helped pass the night in relative calm. I miss my husband. He's too damn far away in rehabilitation, learning braille, how to walk and be a person again.

I can't do anything for him right now but wait and be patient. I hate being patient.

It doesn't feel like it has done one damn bit of good for me at all. Waiting.

Life in itself is a waiting game. Waiting to see how you feel, waiting to see if you feel well enough to do this or that or whatever the hell, waiting for the right time or place, waiting for gods to show up on your street...

I don't want to fan fic again and not do my own work. I haven't spent anytime on my own work in almost a year now, it seems.

The nervous breakdown was...expensive. My insurance didn't cover the hospital stay. 12, 000 smackers...well at least the experience changed my life for the better. I guess debt is a fair trade off in that exchange.

I hate not writing. I hate not creating. I hate doing anything these days that isn't about those two things, but I do other things all the time. What a fucking waste...!

My time is running out. I feel it as each day passes by and I don't know what I am waiting for, please tell me what I waiting for...what I am afraid of...who or what can I lose now?

I almost lost myself and I have lost half of my husband.

I'm a writer with no purpose. What is the point giving me all this need to write and not feeling directed?

If there is a GOD, and I mean a big asshole in the clouds directing all the little worker ants of the universe, tell me where you want me squashed because I have had enough of this torture.

Give myself direction, see where things lead me, don't give up...fuck.

FUCK. FUCK ME. FUCK THIS SHIT.

Is my muse a wanderer who only travels down to earth at leisure? Too fickle, haughty and high and mighty for us little human critters?

Well at least I wrote this tonight. Maybe I will reward myself with a pop tart

diagnosticmad [userpic]

I haven't written in a long time

January 17th, 2011 (08:43 pm)
calm

current state of consciousness: calm

There is a lot I haven't done for quite some time but I am immensely pleased to still be in one piece after the adventure that was 2010. I don't think I will ever forget this year and I certainly hope not to.

I was married this past year. I also had a great tragedy fall upon my new family. My husband went blind so a lot of my free time has been spent on care taking him. I also had a nervous breakdown since my depression had gone unchecked for so long, but now I am taking better care of myself and feel more like the old me but with a different twist.

I still write a little from time to time but I struggle with my self-image problems all the time. It felt good to hear a compliment from someone today on an old piece of fan fiction. But I still have my own work I want to concentrate on. Short stories I never get to writing...

My dreams all come in spurts now, vivid spurts of horror and irrational images. I guess I should be thankful but I don't feel so well regulated. I feel bottled up on the inside. Exercise is helping me through most of that feeling and also a healthy dose of relaxation from work.

I fear going back to work the most since I feel so overwhelmed at home and I feel like I'm just starting to make headway at home on projects.

I want to write another creative short story and maybe it will happen again in the next week. I need to start writing a short story a week without reservation even if it isn't well formed I will feel like I am relaxing the writer muscle.

Always the doubting Sylvia,

diagnosticmad

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